Its called clan news weekly for a reason trollie.

Sucked in, Trollie.

[Clan News Weekly, Volume I, No. 2]


FCC, CORP, GGEC, and [HYPE] form "Anime Tiddes" Alliance.

In a jaw-dropping move for all of the wrong reasons, a unifed panel representing the clans Fifth Column Confederation, CORP, GGEC, and [HYPE] announced that that simply finding their own waifus wasn't enough for them to satisfy their innate anime desires. With FCC's Redonis [CREW] and CORP's John John Johnson leading the negotiations, an agreement between these four new clans has led to the creation of the "Anime Tiddes" Alliance in order to further their interests.

According to the official documents, the clans agreed that there "was not enough otaku culture being expressed on Warzone", nor was their voice of "anime love" reaching mainstream Warzone. To remedy this, the agreement states that they would assert thier "otakudum" upon all other clans, in attempt for them to realize, accept, and embrace "the inevitable".

Redonis spoke of words of pleasure that the agreement was a success. "Now everyone in the warzone comminuity can know and understand my love for [anime tiddies]! Aura-sempai totally acknowledged me for making this agreement become a reality." Nano-Midget could still be heard complaining in the background, muttering "k" whenever Redonis tried to reassure him.

CORP was not intially in favor of promoting the otaku culture. Dutch Desire was adamant about not joining. "CORP is a clan that includes players who follow either the art of strategy or diplomacy. There is no 'anime tiddy' dojo, nor will there ever be one. This entire thing in stupid and the every person in otaku culture should be sterilized so that it does not spread into future generations.

Fortunately for the agreement, CORP's council overruled Dutch Desire and allowed JJJ's bill to pass. Dutch Desire mentioned how this was "ridiculous" that people were still watching "cartoons" like they were "children or something".

Cata Cauda was not present at the offices when we came to interview him, so we have no comment.

JJJ on the other hand, was esastic. "Now Redonis and I can enjoy tiddies together forever <3".

Vague rumors of a "waifu" party that got a "little intense" were surfacing after the agreement occurred, with many pillows being in "rough shape" the following morning, however, Clan News Weekly has been unable to confirm these rumors.

Sloppyfatginger of Apprentice disagreed with the need for such an alliance. He told us that the entire agreement was done by a bunch of "plutty sleb holligans".

"This Sucks", he decried. "Anime Sucks. You all suck. Especially those with waifus". He proceeded to go to the bar and drink his miseries away shortly thereafter.

We are unable to gain contact with either GGEC or [HYPE] at this time.


More Skilled Player does not Understand why Clans are Giving him Less Attention than Clearly Inferior Player.

Reports came to our office early monday morning about a very skilled player getting "no attention" from clans when his pal already have five.

The player, "A", who wished to remain anonymous, was clearly frustrated when we interviewed him.

"I mean, im really good player. Im better than you are. You are in a clan. Why am I not?"

The mantra seemed to spew from his mouth like slithering snakes.

"This player, he's my friend, right? Well guess what, HE has five clans pursuing him already. Like, 101st, Apprentice, FCC, others, you know, just fawning over his potential. IM clearly the better player. Yet I got no one."

We did some research to back up his sentiment. His 85% 1v1 winrate as opposed to his friend's 45% 1v1 winrate seemed to justify why he was upset, at least in his own perspective.

"Players keep telling me. 'Winrate means nothing, Winrate means nothing. Well, guess what. BULLSHT. Im clearly one of the best players of the game. And so much better than anyone else.

Laddering stats seemed to indicate that player "A" was 1400 on 1v1 ladder and his friend 1800.

"Laddering means nothing. Its only one one template. I know he could never beat me on MY templates."

Seeing that there was no reducing his ego and arrogance, Clan News Weekly will now let readers come to their own conclusions about this player.


101st Baffled Why their event didn't Make this week's Issue

101st reportedly told us they were baffled why their major event that occurred last week didn't make it into clan news weekly.

In what appeared to be a day when players were acting more "normally", we sat down with cowboy to chat.

"I mean, look at what we did this week. We did something incredible! Why are we not getting our own article about it?"

Clan News Weekly stated that since they had been featured in last week's article, they were not deserving of receiving a feature article two weeks in a row.

"Well Im calling that now, Aura. This is Shi-." Suddenly, ZeroBlindDragon walked in with a glass of water, told him everything would be "okay" telling him to drink and calm down. Cowboy obliged, relaxed, and simply told us "We are great" for the rest of the conversation.

Reporting, Aura Guardian

Edited 5/20/2018 22:38:00

We are great.

Another entertaining read, Aura. You've inspired me to write something similar for my clan.

The best part of this CL by miles

Can you move this to the clans thread?

@FSG

Since this post is sarcastic, ficticious, and not reflective of the current state of warzone or clans, I made the explicit choice of placing it in off topic as to not be confused with actual clan business.

Fake news!?! :O

I suppose some items on this list are not even sarcastic, however, it is meant to be viewed as humor with a touch of satire and only that.

Edited 5/22/2018 14:20:40

There certainly seems to be a demand for an otaku place. The demand seems to exist in various clan with a substantial minority. I think we should do them justice by giving them a place in a neutral environment. Therefore the optimal solution should be an otaku channel at the Discord Warzone server.

Edited 5/22/2018 22:31:03

/jp/ has been raiding us, confirmed. Tbh, I have nothing against weebs, but they tend to not be down to earth.

Since this post is sarcastic, ficticious, and not reflective of the current state of warzone or clans, I made the explicit choice of placing it in off topic as to not be confused with actual clan business.

this is why we gotta kill the elitists for this

Aura-senpai noticed me 0w0

We are great

at least you are not spamming dead discord channels for no reason now

I was wondering what the hell is waifus xD

Clan News Weekly, Volume I, No. 3

The People of the Clans: Player Claims to be Better than Himself

The People of the Clans section aims to showcase the nature and lives of clanned individuals. Remember, it is the people in clans that make up the clan itself.

Early this morning, an email came into my inbox at CNW headquarters. Most of the time, emails here are not special. We usually get these players who hint at frivolous stories that, by no means, are worth following. However, this email had an unusual character about it. Most notably, it was flashing green instead of the usual yellow. Mildly curious, I opened the email. It proceeded to download a virus which infiltrated and deleted all the information on our servers here. Oops. Well, with a deadline fast approaching, we had to come up with something, and quick. Without the aid of a computer, the only thing I could think of was dialing up an acquaintance with an interesting personality, creating a section on the newspaper called "The People of the Clans" so that people would never knew that this ever occurred, and secretly repair the servers. Never mind the fact that my big mouth usually reveals what actually happened eventually anyway.

This player had been twiddling their thumbs, looking for the next player to defeat so he could proclaim he was better in his own special way. In his opinion, all he had to do was defeat the player once to delclare that he was "stronk". Therefore, when I got wind that he somehow was better than himself, I decided that it was time to investigate this personality.

Some think that "Kezzo", as he is known by his friends, has multiple personality disorder. Others think he has simply gone off the wall. Further others claim that the victory that broke Motd's record setting MDL winstreak just went to his head. But, I personally think something more sinister is at play here. The player Kezzo, is, quite simply, in essence, what we call, a "wierdo".

To prove my point, I took the opportunity to interview him in his office at Outlaws HQ. Usually very secretive and normally not allowing players in, I managed to fool platinum into thinking I was a psychologist hired by Kezzo in order to help him with his issues. Obviously, now I am being pursued by police for trespassing since platinum blew up when he realized I was acutally, Aura Guardian and I was lying, but that's for another time.

Anyway, here is what he had to say:

Me: So, Kezzo, have claimed to be better than yourself. How is that possible.

Kezzo: It's Kazoo! And no, I never claimed this. I am quite simply obviously better than a player I can beat. Such as Kezzo.

Me: Kazoo, is it? Well, Mr. Kazoo, can you tell me more about Kezzo, and why you are better than them?

Kezzo: I'm Kezzo.

Me: Wait, I thought you told me you were Kazoo. Not Kezzo.

Kezzo: What kind of bull are you handing out to me??? Who told you I was Kezzo? And nor am I Kazoo. That's ridiculous! I'm totally better than both of those scrubs.

Me: Then who are you?

Kezzo: I am Kezzo.

Me: So you are claiming to be better than Kezzo and Kazoo? Even though you just said you were Kezzo?

Kezzo: Who told you I am Kezzo? My name is Kizow! They must be nuts. And yes, I am totally better then Kezzo and Kazoo.

Me: Okay Kizow-

Kezzo: WHAT THE HELL MAN? I AM NOT KIZOW!!!!!!!!!!! That kid is stupid and someone I am totally superior to. You should have known my name by now. Its Cowzow. Please call me Cowzow.

Me: So you want me to call you Cowzow.

Kezzo: Yes

Me: Are you sure?

Kezzo: Yes.

Me: Okay Cowzow.

Kezzo: You A&&HOLE! You F#$%ing A&&HOLE. Get out my OFFICE, get out of my SIGHT, get out of my EXISTENCE. You Infurior scum, you can't get my name right.

Me: Im sorry, Im sorry, but you keep telling me different names. You said that you were kezzo kazoo, kizow, and cowzow.

Kezzo: I'm none of those. I have no idea who told you that. Im Kapow.

Me: Kapow, eh?

Kezzo: Hmm, no, that doesen't sound right... I guess I am Keezo...

Me: Keezo?

Kezzo: No, No, No, I don't like that... how about... Aura Guardian?

Me: You can't take that one!

Kezzo: Why not?

Me: That's MY username!

Kezzo: Well I am better than you, scrub, so its mine now. You are now Kezzo.

Me: WHAA?

Aura Guardian: Well, I am totally better than Kezzo.

And so, we can now see how rumors of how Kezzo being better than himself have manifested. This all now seems pretty clear to me. Kezzo likes changing his name. Eventually he just decides to replace his name with whoever he is with, then telling them they are Kezzo. And since Kezzo always thinks he is better than the player across the table, Kezzo therefore become better than Kezzo. Hence, Kezzo is better than himself.


BREAKING: LeQuébécois_Benoit ends dealings with ZeroBlindDragon after Mishap

In a shocking development, LeQuébécois_Benoit has decided that he will no longer deal wiz ZeroBlindDragon after a term in their contract "Did not turn out as expected".

After interviewing Beniot, it was apparent he was very frustrated.

"I am not dealing with that dragon hooligan EVER again. That dragon ruined it for me. Stupid dragons. Why do they have to even exist." We tried to inquire on what happened to sour the relationship, we did not get any hints at all. He seemed however, to regret ever requesting a trip "Dick's Sporting Goods" as part of the terms of agreement.

"I have always enjoyed going to Dick's Sporting Goods. I thought as good friends we could spend a late night there to shop and purchase some new gear for training. Unfortunately, that was not at all what happened. And I am pissed. ZeroBlindDragon has a twisted idea as to what "Dicks Sporting Goods" is.

We inquired with ZeroBlindDragon about why Benoit thought Dick's Sporting Goods was "twisted".

"Ah, I see. I thought everyone knew about my affinity. You see, Dick's Sporting Goods is really just a face name for my "Dragon Playpen", full of Toys, chains, and restraining mechanisms, if you get what I mean. I'm into that kind of stuff, you see. I don't really call it what it actually is when I am not home, otherwise I might get weird looks. All my friends know about it. I thought Benoit did too. So I got really exited when one of the conditions on the contract was for me to take him to "Dick's Sporting Goods". I have always thought Benoit looked really handsome and have always wanted to show him my stuff. So I took it upon myself to take him to Dick's Sporting Goods.

After requesting what happened after that, the Dragon winked at me, saying "I could show you if you want". Given my affinity for avoiding these types of situations, I politely declined the request.

ZeroBlindDragon, nevertheless, had concern over the void contract. "There were some very important goods being delivered to 101st out of this deal. Unfortunately I now have to somehow come up with another way of getting them, which at this point I don't see a clear way as to how. Nevertheless, I am determined to see to it that 101st/Lynx thrive even without these important goods."

Reporting,
Aura Guardian???

Edited 5/27/2018 18:49:54

Hahahahha!! :D

dick's sporting goods park in colorado