Hello all, welcome to another round of clan news "weekly" (I guess. Haven't done one of these in a while).

Today we have a special edition. We got the funding from some anti-elitist prick who I guess wanted me to report anti-elitist shit and support them. Huh. Odd. I ... I feel like... I am not going to be receiving funding from them anymore... for some reason. Weird.

But first and foremost, I would like to congratulate the lynx lobbying group for successfully convincing the ethics panel for legalizing GDP's usage for competitive purposes! Unfortunately for them, the move backfired and it seems that the overabundance of people now trying to sell it has saturated the market and crippled them a bit. Oops.

Anyway, We had the honor of interviewing the five members of the Ethics committee, in the following order:

Reza
Edge
Red Army
Min34
Psykkoman

So without further ado, let's hear what they have to say!

Interview With Reza:

Good afternoon Reza, thank you for joining us today

Reza: (Blank Stare)

Uhh, over here, Reza, over here!

We are Great.

Oh uh, well this isn;t going anywhere...

We are great! We are great!

Alrighty, then. I guess we are not interviewing Reza today...

Interview With Edge:

Good Afternoon, Edge, thank you for joining us.

Edge: Well, yes, it is my pleasure. I am happy to be here to represent the ethics committee. We are a highly respected group of players tasked with removing all these ugly stains out of the carpet. You look like an ugly stain on the carpet. I think I want to ban you.

Hold on, hold on. You are getting ahead of yourself. Why do you want to ban me? I did nothing wrong.

Yea, I know. I just feel like we need to do what is best for the community. Which is banning you. Because I know you are not a perfect person. No one is. But since you have flaws, which means you must have failed or violated something, it probably is best just to ban you.

I think you are jumping the gun here. Wait till you have definitive proof!

Fair Enough. But I know that you did something wrong and I need to ban you for it.

Okay, so now for some questions: Do you think Deadman's punishment was fair? Why or why not?

No, it was not fair. It should have been more strict. You see, the way I see it is the more involved and invested you are in the community, the more likely you made a bad mistake that needs to be punished. Because the more you do for it, the more mistakes you make. And therefore he needed to be punished more severely than for two seasons.

Are you not afraid that sort of attitude will drive people away from the community? I mean, telling someone who put their heart and soul into building a wonderful event for so long is quite respectable. I agree that they should be punished, but don't you think this will drive a division into the community that no one wants, and also drive away one of the best players both in skill and spirit?

Listen Aura, you don't understand me. The heart and soul? That's cute. I eat hearts for breakfast, souls for lunch, and spirits for dinner. I digest it thoroughly, regurgitate it, and spit their bile remains straight into the eyes of those who it came-

Uhh, that's literally tox-

Don't interrupt me! For that, i'm gonna punish you 1 slot. Anyway, like I was saying, we need to be strict, and the more contributive a player, the more strict the punishment when we find out. Because we can't tolerate people who contribute so much to the community. We need to drive them away! Until we purge the land of cheaters and fakers, only then may we have a just, fair, and fun competition. Because a free online risk game which makes it nearly impossible to break any rules can't be fun until we create a competition with a causual community understanding not to break certain procedures, up the competition and seriousness, and then have someone break those now not so causual procedures and ban them. Especially if they are extra contributive to the community.

Okay, Edge, we are out of time we have to-

Don't interrupt me! Im gonna punish you 2 slots now. I tell you-

You interrupted me!

Don't interrupt... oh wait. I did. Okay. Sorry. I... will...

Punish yourself one slot?

Uhh... yes? I guess? I am flawed. Okay. Yea.

Do you understand my point now?

No. You still don't understand me! I tell you, Deadman did so much for this community he should be banned from warzone! Heck Deadman should be banned from real life! Heck, HE NEEDS TO BE BANNED FROM EXISTENCE! HIS VERY AWARENESS SHOULD BE BANNED! HE! HE! HE! HE! HE...

(Red Army walks in while edge gets stuck saying "He!" perpetually)

Red Army: Oh I am so sorry about this! He's been deprived of his GDP today. He's hopelessly addicted. I hope you understand. I'll administer it virtually.

(Red Army pulls out his tablet and shows Edge some... images? He then pulls out a syringe and injects it into Edge's arm. Gradually, Edge calms down and his eyes stare blankly at the ceiling.)

Edge: We are great....

Red Army: Alright Edge, time to go...

(Edge slowly rises, then leaves the room)

Edited 11/21/2018 04:01:03

Interview with Red Army:

Whew, that was... intense.

Red Army: Yes, Edge can get a little, haywire, sometimes.

Is he always like that?

Not always, but usually if he hasn't had enough GDP.

Okay, so I have another question for you. Many people think that the ethics panel's decision on several players, including Deadman, Farah, Xenophon, and Beren, were too harsh. Care to explain what justified these punishments?

Why yes, of course. You see... oh hey, is that a fidget spinner?

Uhh why, yes, it is

Oh hey, can I play with that?

No

Oh... well, anyway, we felt that these players made major violations to rules that were prescribed at the time. I understand that these players did much good for this community, but we could not take this into account considering that they still violated the rules.

Which is fair, I agree. But my point is, are you not worried that you are setting a bad precedent for the future of clan league and this community? I mean, you are effectively alienating members of the community who have dedicated so much time and effort to making clan league what it is today!

Well... they set their own rules, I mean, of course you gotta- Oh hey! cool! You have a frisbee!

Why yes, yes I play ultimate...

Can a throw that?

No.

Anyway, they set certain rules. They should expect to obey and be punished by their own rules that they set.

Of course. But the rules need not be so harsh. Rules themselves are flawed instruments, recall. Don't you think that trying to be rock hard and strict with them might be... well, childish?

It's definitely not childish, as- Oh hey! Neat! You have an armillary sphere!

Well, of course, I like astrono-

Oh sweet! Can I touch it?

You really like spinny things, don't you...

Yes?

Hmmmm, well, you can have the fidget spinner I guess...

Sweet!

(Red Army takes fidget spinner, and leaves)

Interview with Min34:

(Min34 Walks in.)

Oh hey, wel-. Oh no! Its min! What are you doing here??

Min: Oh, its you! Get lost!

Get out of here, you loser.

Fine, you dick!

Interview with Psykkoman:

Why hello there, Psykkoman. Thank you for joining us

Psykkoman: No Problem. I am glad-. HOLD ON!

Huh?

Are you an .... ELITIST???

What?

I saw you break 2000 on the 1v1 ladder! You must be an ELITIST! ELITIST ALERT! ELITIST ALERT!

dafuq?

I must condone you for your elitist ways. I will not tolerate that. 1 slot ban for thee. Now, pay your penance!

Errr, okay...

If there is one thing you must know about me, I am not tolerant of elitism...

Well, no rational person is...

If you are top player you must be elitist, and if you reach 2K on the 1v1 ladder you are a top player, statistically compared to the number of warzoners on this site. So begone, elitist!

(Psykkoman Gets up, walks out, Slams Door, and Leaves)

Alrighty, then. I guess this is over before it started...

DISCLAIMER:

This writing is intended to be parodical and is thus highly exaggerated. Nevertheless, I feel that it does express some of my feelings about what happened on the clan league panel. If you have discussions that relate directly to the text here, please feel free to reply here, but otherwise, keep your general serious discussion to the main thread. I am open to be PMed (this site) or DMed (discord) if you want to discuss more seriously about how I felt things went down.

-Aura Guardian

Edited 11/21/2018 04:03:40

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Another piece of hard hitting journalism.

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Heh, psykkoman is nothing like this (and almost a 2000 on 1v1 ladder himself) :P But I understand he's the least known from the Ethics Panel because he's not from div A clan xD

What Onoma said - the bit on Psykkoman was totally wrong, he's a cool dude.

But you got everyone else bang on correct. 4/5 journalism is amazing, so gj.

I am willing to admit inaccuracies in the post. But bear in mind, some sections try to favor a generalized stance of the ethics committee, others might target the character of a player. A generalized stance is true about Reza's and Psykkoman's pieces. For Reza, I meant to communicate that the ethics committee bowed too much to public pressures. For Psykkoman, I wanted to communicate a general anti-elitist bias I felt was present in making the decisions.

Edited 11/21/2018 17:43:01

psykkoman is nothing like this (and almost a 2000 on 1v1 ladder himself)

Ah rats just when I thought I had a new recruit to the MASTER HUNTERS clan.

i agree deadman poured his heart and soul it was very sad to see all CL taken from him :(

atleast it wasnt a perma ban? i feel like he will miss out for a very long time tho

funny aura you're the best xd